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Love is not desire,
it is a belief of good between people,
which is a basic principle of humanity,
it's values, virtues, truths and actions.
Love Desire should flow from pure love.
What my first two love experiences taught me was I had to acquire the skills to support dating and the attributes to find a future mate. I also realized you needed money. My first job was collecting old newspapers for chicken hatcheries. I think I got a 1/2¢ a pound. I also accepted babysitting jobs at 75¢ an hour. Then I landed a full time, part time job, with a drug store with my best friend Dale, we shared the job, this was also at 75¢/hr.
The 1950's was a magical period, a decade of enchantment, called the 'Greaser Days' for the duck tail hair cuts, held in place by gobs of hair grease. The birth of rock and roll. It was the time of crinolines, bobby socks, penny loafers and maiden form bras. It was a time when girls put on a tight pair of jeans, sat in hot water, in a bath tub, then allowed them to shrink dry on their body. It was a time of innocence. Pony tails for girls was almost a must during this period.
Most teens largely ignored the down side of this decade, the Cold War, the possibility of a Third World War, and Nuclear Annihilation. The focus was on freedom, cars and girls/boys. Oh yes booze, and smoking but no to drugs. This was my dating, courting period. I didn't follow the normal trend of greased down duck tail hair or the last era of zoot suits (actually only the pants survived) which was a carry over from the 1930's and 1940's. I preferred the sports shirt, normal pants and oh yes the inevitable V necked sweaters. My sister had about 12 sweaters and I had two but she always borrowed mine and stretched them in the wrong places,
I differed from my normal pack of friends, I started seriously looking for a mate at a young age of 15, about 1952. I had acquired jobs to generate funds for girl hunting. 'Pack of Friends', you say, yes young men (boys) usually ran in packs looking for girls. Girls also ran in packs looking for boys. The girls called it promenading. The boys called it curb cruising. I usually liked to hunt alone, but you had to spend some time running with the pack, for security and boldness to over come shyness.
I am getting ahead of myself. 1950 was a transition between the 1940's childhood and the 1950's what we thought was young manhood. In the late 40's and early 50's was a period of sexual game playing, sexual awaking, a transition period. We chummed around with girls next door, playing games like base ball, spin the bottle, post office etc. but no real dating. Spin the bottle is self evident you spin the bottle and kiss the first one it points to of the opposite sex. Oh you want to know about 'post office'? That's where you select a range of numbers between say 1 and 20 and you take turns trying to guess a number. If a boy is asking then only girls respond, and visa versa. If a girl say that's my number you go into a closet and exchange a kiss. Then the girl gets to guess a number. You could cheat at this game to kiss the girls you liked best. The girls also cheated at this game. This wasn't consider real kissing as there wasn't any affection, love or sex involved, it was just exploration of ones sexuality. It however separated the players from the regular herd. Some players would 'cop a feel' in the closet. Take advantage of the girl by grabbing a boob, or crotch. I never reached this stage. Some girls were exhibitionist and would invite a group of boys over when their parents were away and get naked. They would try to entice boys to also get naked and join them in bed but non of my friends would join in, at least when I was present. I found the only interest was seeing girls body parts in the flesh rather than a book. The book of the time was the Sears/Eatons catalogue of intimate wear. It was an advanced form of playing doctor. There was no sexual excitement and definitely no love generated in these encounters. As I recall these girls were very young and hadn't began to develop breasts. The girls who were not involved in these nude encounters were more desirable or should I say interesting.
The first real girl that caught my attention was at Victoria Public School swimming pool on Kingsway Avenue in Edmonton. Swimming was my passion and a great place to meet girls. The year was 1952. She was a 'fraulein', with a great figure, the boys would say stacked. I was too shy to talk to her but I returned to the pool, same time, same day of the week for three weeks, but she never showed again. I remember that big boobs were a point of attention but never factored in as a criteria for a future mate. Boys and men make much to do over mammary glands but it's more to impress their friends rather than self. To some it's very important but I found they were in the very small minority.
My first real boy girl date was the summer of 1953, I was 16 years old. I met her playing base ball, with a mix of boys and girls, after school in a public school. I decided to take my first official date to the fair. I was working at a drug store for 75 cents an hour as a delivery boy and baby sitting for the same princely sum. I rode my bike to her place and her dad droves us to the fair and picked us up later. I vividly recall spending $15.00 and that represented 20 hours of work. I decided real dating was too expensive until I got a better job. She probably wondered why I didn't ask for a second date. Girls remained as just friends.
I took this time to develop a list of criteria to use in selecting a mate. I read books, scanned dictionaries discussed with my friends including female friends. Some items were:
Be of the
same religion - Be honest - Be sincere -
Be healthy - Want four to six kids - Want to be a stay
at home mom
Be a virgin - Be beautiful - Be funny - Enjoy sex and affection - Want to breastfeed our children - Be feminine
Be a bit of a tease - Be trim, not fat - Be a bit of a flirt - Dress a bit sexy - Simply the girl next door type
Be a low maintenance chick - This was added after my first real date.
Now at that age I don't know what all those things
actually mean but I was determined to find out. I always wondered, we were told this
is the most important decision of your life, but there was no book on the
subject and it sure wasn't taught in school. In fact the Catholic
schools and Churches called on all parents to discourage the
pernicious custom of boys and girls, in their teens, forming permanent and
exclusive steady associations, that are so often an occasion for sin. As a
result I attended St Alphonsis school for grades 9 & 10 and no commingled
sex activities were presented. All dates and fraternizing were therefore
from non Catholic schools. I remember one girl in grade nine who had a
full figure like a 35 year old woman, I thought she was sexy and I had a crush
on her. I lacked the social skills to ask her for a date or social
outing. No mixed activities were offered to assist in this type of
activity. I saw her years later on her death bed, after living a less
than satisfactory life. I wondered what her life would be like had we
engaged. At least I had the opportunity to tell her that I had a crush
on her before she died. The anti socializing aspect of the Catholic school system was
just dumb and counter productive. It became a rule not to ask girls their religious affiliation
because that would mean the end of a budding relationship. I think
this is when the don't ask, don't tell rule was created.
I found this cultural rule rather strange because in early Canada the parents were fined if the kids were not married by men age 18 and girls age 16. Sexual maturity was considered adulthood, teenage hood didn't exist.
I had a sister about the same age but she wasn't any help on the dating scene because she joined the religious life at age 15 years. She brought a few girls over to the house but no one I was interested in. Also our family was not affectionate, I don't recall every hugging my sister, so talking about dating was out of the picture. I vowed my future family would be affectionate.
I worked summers to rise enough money to buy my first car as I reasoned it takes wheels to find a mate especially if Catholic schools were off limits. I continued to associate with girls from informal baseball games, swimming pools, and ice skating.
In 1954 I did have a crush on one girl with a 35 year old figure that I mentioned earlier and who I didn't see again until her death bed. Another girl of interest was rejected when I saw her pulling the wings off a live fly, she was a beautiful looking girl. I think this is when I decided that inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. My mother and Grandmother always said don't judge a book by its cover. Another girl was off the list when a rumor spread that she was in a car with three boys, drinking and in the nude. She likely only had her top off. Sexual values are extremely important at a young age.
Age 18-19 was a dead zone as this was my high School period. In grades 11 & 12 at St. Josephs high school, it got even worse, it was a segregated school one half for all girls the other all boys. I never had the opportunity to talked to a single girl in that school. We were taught that sex was only for procreation and modesty before and even after marriage was paramount. Modesty in marriage never made my list of attributes for mate hunting. As a result most of the kids I ran with married non-Catholics and left the church.
To this day I don't really understand what makes couples click or as some say have common chemistry. I know I preferred girls who used no or limited makeup. I liked those who were cute not sexy in their attire. I met a lot of girls at the swimming pool, as that confirmed the looks criteria which was 20% of my selection criteria and that was instant appeal, the other 80% was harder because it was based on personality, beliefs and values. One girl I met we spent most of the day discussing the 80% but when I walked her home she told me her father didn't allow her to date until she was 18, I think she was 16. Now who wants to wait for someone for years when you don't have a chance to see if your compatible, first. I always wonder if we could have developed a relationship that led to marriage. Life is very strange. I however respected the parents rules and stopped seeing that girl. This was likely a poor judgment call on my part.
I remember some establishment folks realized what was happening and tried to organize teen dances away from the school and church settings. One man even offered his barn as a dance hall free. Other parents offered free refreshments and music. Parents, including my own, begged and pleaded with the kids to attend the dances. Finally we relented and attended. It was too little, too late, it was a major flop. No one knew each other and were awkward in their presence. I think the Catholic girls were still looked on as occasions of sin and just weren't perceived as fun. There must have been a 100 kids in attendance and I am not sure we even took the time to check them out. I don't recall dancing or talking with a single girl. We refused to go to the next dance even though it was free including the snacks. I don't think the kids would attend even if free beer was served. Most of my friends did not attend grade 9 or grade 12 graduation ceremonies for the same reasons. Reunions were also rejected as not being relevant. It still amazed me that a few, including myself stayed within the church as most did not.
Group dating which might better be understood as activities of mixed gender with no specific attachments. We usually traveled in groups of three to six boys at a time and this varied by the seasons. The girls did the same, so you tried to match the target size. If the ratio of boys to girls was too great it scared off the girls. If the ratio was too small then it would become awkward. If the ratio was too few guys a simple phone call could rustle up more players or another car when we hit age 16. I acquired a nice car in 1954 in joint venture with an older brother. I had a greater use of the vehicle because I had a larger group of friends to share the cost of gas and maintenance. We did our own maintenance in those days. This allowed us a wider area for girl hunting, and hunting it was, a serious business. We were a pack of Catholic boys but we seldom picked up Catholic girls, if we did we didn't know. I think the rule was don't ask, don't tell. At least they never admitted that they were Catholic as they were well aware that Catholic girls were thought to be an occasion for sin.
We usually curb cruised to meet girls and maintained a little black book of names and phone numbers of every girl we picked up. The rules were simple, we usually pared up right off the bat and this was usually based on looks or instant appeal. You were to be attentive to your partner for this one activity only. You do not hit on another's partner. We seldom switched partners during an outing but if it happened you were to ask permission first. Some activities were conducted with little or no paring off and for these events it was fair game to hit on any girl. Activities or outings usually consisted of a trip to the beach, a skating party on frozen lakes or ponds, marsh mellow or hot dog roasts or just sitting around someone's house when the parents were away. The logic was you would meet the most girls this way and after one group date you could tell if you liked that person enough to go out again. Usually if you went out again with the same group of girls you reselected which girl to partner with. This was accomplished by selecting a common group meeting place and time. This provided the girls the opportunity to be involved in the paring off process. This next outing you most likely switched taking a different girl. If you wanted the same girl a simple phone call did the trick. It usually ended after your group dated all the girls or when one couple broke off to couple date. The girls made the selection choice as often as the boys. Some group dates we had up to 14 to 18 in one car but the normal procedure was to get a second or third car for the event. The second group date was always better than the first because you could preplan and make food and your choice was based on more criteria than looks alone. Also you knew that the two groups generally liked each other. I remember vividly reselecting a first encounter by my best friend for a first date after clearing with my friend. I phoned her to ask her for a house party. Yes I got her phone number from my friend, that was part of the ritual, even if you had no intention of a second encounter. She was a small town girl, living in town, going to school. She easily passed the 20% looks criteria. We went to a bed room to lay on the bed and talk. No we didn't get nude or under the covers. We spent hours exchanging expectation on life, sharing beliefs and values and discovered we were extremely compatible. She appeared to have everything I wanted in a girl but no spark, no chemistry. To this day I don't know why? She had a great personality. We must have kissed and hugged but it was like a brother/sister encounter. I did learn that the bed is an excellent place to discover expectation, beliefs and values. This must be a leftover from the bed boarding rituals of the early English. At this time we didn't understand the difference between Principles, Beliefs and Values. I always wonder what her life was like. She likely made a great wife for some lucky guy. I did feel bad as we should have had a second date.
Group dating quickly evolved into couple dating, usually one couple but often two couples. We quickly learned that it takes more than one date to learn if you were compatible even with long intense discussion. Couple dating usually lasted two to three weeks. You quickly got down to discussing each of your selection criteria to see if you had a possible match. If for example you want kids and she doesn't, why waste each other time. A much smaller list was used because a person who meets the full list likely doesn't exist. The drive in movie was at the top of the list, then came swimming, picnics, parties, etc. At the drive in movies some times you didn't see the movies because of talking, kissing and cuddling. If the truth be know the windows fogged up. Most couple dating after a few dates didn't work out, so it was back to group dating. One night stands were unheard of at this time. No one wanted to abandon their potential first child and the thought of a shot gun wedding to someone you didn't like, was from a horror film. Abortions were available but the horror of killing some innocent child was adherent to the depths of evil, at this time. In fact it was a general rule that if a girl believed in abortion the date was over. Who wants a girl who might kill your child. Birth control was available but was seldom used for reasons I was not sure. I worked in a drug store so they were easily available. I think sex was out until you were sure you would marry her if she got pregnant. Who wants to lose contact with your very own child. One refreshing value that was prominent in the 1950's was honesty. You could ask a girl any question and get an honest answer or the phrase 'that's private until I get to know you better'. If you decided to have a second or third date you both had a exclusive relationship while you dated, if either one already had a date lined up she would ask if it's ok to go on the date and yes you told her, it was ok. A commitment is a comittment.
I did discover my first real sexual kiss during couple dating and I was in cloud #9 for at least 24 hours. We had earlier played kissing games but that was just exploratory in nature, not the real thing. I later felt my first boob and that was unbelievable. She later married a group friend of mine and she begged me not to tell my friend of our experience. I promised and learned a very valuable lesson, 'never kiss and tell'. She was a very nice girl and we were just mutually exploring our sexuality. I still hold fond memories of this encounter and am very thankful for the valuable lessons learned from this girl and others. In fact this encounter was so special I still think about this encounter to this very day. She had small boobs and I learned a cup A or D was not relevant. Boobs of any size represent femininity and potential motherhood. Teenage boys appear to have a fixation on large mammary glands but this is only partially true. Attention is given to impress the other boys. The boys had a private saying "A hand full or mouth full is good enough". It was quickly dropped from the list of criteria for a mate. Yes it was on the first list as a result of peer pressure. I remember one incident when a girl wouldn't let you touch her breast. I asked her why and she reluctantly said she was embarrassed because she wore a highly padded bra. Most girls wore padded bras in the 1950's I said I was flattered that she had taken the trouble to impress me, but I told her that small boobs were as sexy as big boobs and to some even more so. She let me touch her boobs after that and on our second date wore an unpadded bra. She was very cute! I vividly remember my first real boobs at the Lake. I must have been about 12 years old when an older girl emerged from the water and her top of a one piece bathing suit had come down. She walked across the beach for about 100 feet before she noticed it and quickly covered up. This image burned into my mind and will remain there until my dying day. However this image was not sexual in nature but boobs during the dating phase were very much sexual in nature.
Some of the strange dating practice that I encountered
resulting in rejection as a future mate were:
A belief you use sex to get your way in marriage because that is what her mother did to her father - run for the hills!
A belief sex is only for procreation and you must practice modesty in marriage - trouble ahead.
A belief boys (men) only want sex, not love, one girl actually pinned her sweater to her pants every two inches - strange behavior.
A belief the only way to get a husband is to get pregnant and have a forced marriage - run, run, run.
It was common practice this decade if you got a girl pregnant you married her, girls would often ask if that was your belief, it was mine and they usually turned very affectionate. That was a sign to go slow until you knew them better.
A common saying was "If they are good enough to bed, then they are good enough to wed". I believed this attribute.
Some didn't want kids or marriage but agreed it was ok to live together, don't let the door hit you on the way out..
A very few lied to get what they wanted and these were the hardest to detect.
However most girls were honest and you didn't ask about their previous sexual history, as it usually ended the relationship. If a friend labeled a girl as easy the relationship ended or never started. This was most unfair but you couldn't ask the girl if it was true because of the 'don't ask, don't tell rule'. I am not sure where the 'don't ask, don't tell rule' came from? I think this was based on the don't kiss and tell rule. It was likely because we just didn't really want to know. Unfair, yes, but only the worst in the group would kiss and tell. It was considered as a sacred trust. Trust became a new marriage attribute. It evolved into a fundamental principle of integrity. Now some girls would tell you some 'don't ask' facts as a test to see how serious you were about them. I think it was a test of 'forgive and forget' 'our relationship starts now'? She usually only did this if you held the the 'kiss and no tell' rule. This was not an easy one to deal with as you had to do some real soul searching.
These girls changed my beliefs and I was very grateful.
You would think that girls who didn't kiss, hug or practice body exploration and who were usually classed as a cold fish, would be off the list. The opposite was true, they were in high demand. The logic was they just hadn't met the right boy and they became a challenge.
A few in our expanded group were bad apples. They had no regard for the value and dignity of the girls we encountered. Their motto was the four 'F's'; "Find'em, Feel'em, Fuck'em and Forget them". We attempted to exclude them from the larger group but it was too dynamic to be completely successful. The final option was to warn girls of the bad apples. Some girls just wouldn't listen, thinking they can change them. The unfortunate down side was girls who fell for these charlatans were immediately off the list of potential mates. Again unfair, yes, but that was the reality of the times.
I remember one girl who totally amazed me. She was a professional flirt and instinctively knew how to play the boys ego's, like a fine Stradivarius violin player. She was down right plain, maybe even considered ugly, but she always had a group of boys circling her in conservation, while the more beautiful girls were ignored. You couldn't help but love this girl, whose inner qualities, shone outward like a blinding light. Unfortunately she could attract but not keep men in a long term relationship.
The first boy to marry from our group was only age 16 and the girl was age 14. They had 3 children before she reached age 21. She had gotten pregnant at age 13 and they were caught by the police and taken to the girls parents house, where they were forced to stand in front of the girls parents, in the living room, buck naked. She was considered by all to be a lovely girl. We partied at their house quite often and discovered she didn't know how to cook or sew but they loved each other and the marriage survived, to the best of my knowledge. You would think this would stop or slow down the sexual activities of the group, but it didn't. We used to compare the marriage dates of our parents, with the birth date of the oldest child. We had a lot of premature births in our expanded group. I think this fortified the rule 'if they are good enough to bed, they are good enough to wed'. Birth control was easily available but just not cool. I think the kids wanted a pregnancy to take them out of the decision making process. Dumb but a real reality of the times.
Some times a parent, usually the mother, would try to line you up with
their best friends daughter. To be sure the daughters were beautiful both inner
and outer, but just no spark. I suspect the forced situation soured the
possibility, but I am not sure. The dates were however always enjoyable because both
parties were fully aware of the parents involvement and had a good
laugh. Then you could just relax and be yourself and enjoy the movie or
meal. Usually the night ended without a hug or kiss. I preferred
not kissing on the first date, I think because I didn't want sex to interfere
with the objective, of discovering inner qualities. Another awkward
situation is if the girls parents knew your parents. You could tell
because her parent treated you more like a potential son-in-law, than some
stranger dating their daughter. Tickets
to games or concerts were offered with the father trying to start a bonding
process. I was scared off this type of relationship because every time I went
over to listen to music the parent would quickly find a reason to leave the
house. You knew both parents were discussing the progress of our
relationship. The girl was a really nice girl, an only daughter, but she
started making sexual
advances, but I didn't want a fish bowel romance, so I broke it off. 'No
fish bowel romance' was not on the list of potential mate attributes. In
fact girls who told their parents everything were soon off the list. I
think this was based on the no kiss and tell rule but I am not sure. Don't tell your friends,
especially not parents. Boys always wanted to know if you scored, no
good can come from breaking the rule. Protecting the reputation and
integrity of a girl became a fundamental guiding principle of any relationship.
This was an important fundamental principle that carried over into the working
world, it's called integrity! I am very grateful for every lesson the
girls taught me, both good and bad encounters.
We picked up three girls, one thought she would be cute and yelled 'rape', I hit the brakes, kicked them out of the car, and black listed them. This was interesting because as teenagers we used to go to a park and yell 'rape' and have the police chase us for miles, we thought this was great fun, fortunately we never got caught. This was an early realization that rules were not equally applied.
Another interesting custom from the 'Greaser Days' was the mother insisting their daughters wear a tight fitting girdle. You could tell as soon as you grabbed her butt which was usually on the second date. Now most teens don't need a girdle, in fact most women don't need one. I asked the most common question 'why'? She said it was simple, mom wanted me to think twice before getting involved with sex. We had a good laugh and this didn't become a rule to avoid girls, of this type, as thinking twice is always a good thing. Many of the girls I dated said their mothers were of the same opinion but after they met me and we discussed the terms and conditions of dating their daughter, the issue was not raised again. The biggest rule was when they wanted the daughter home. A drive-in was tricky as it didn't end until about 1:00 A.M. You had to come well prepared by knowing exactly when each movie was over. You could then offer a compromise, we can just watch the first movie and be back by 11:00 P.M. This usually worked and we were allowed to stay the late 1:00 A.M. option. The girl and I usually discussed the issue saying if we had wanted sex, then before or after 11:00 P.M. it makes no difference. So! we reasoned a curfew was there for a different reason. It was a matter of trust in most cases. These parents usually waited up for the returning daughter so it was an issue to them. It was a golden time, lots of talk, lots of kissing, hugging and body exploration but little sexual intercourse as the criteria was well established before hand. I always got along with the parents because if they asked a question I always tried to answer in an open honest way.
In 1956 I move to Calgary from Edmonton to go to take Aeronautical Engineering. I had a girlfriend at the time, we were intimate but not sexually intimate. We used to swim in the pool after hours and shower together, no we didn't take our bathing suits off or dress or undress together. She promised to write which she did for a month or so then stopped. I learned that absence does not make the heart grow fonder. It did instill in me a reminder not to take a job away from family for long periods of time. The handwriting was on the wall that the aero industry in Canada was dying so I quit after 6 moths although I had over a 90% average.
After I joined Imperial Oil Ltd in 1957 I only dated one fellow worker, she asked "your a Catholic right, so I understand if you get a girl pregnant you marry them", do you! I said yes that is my belief. She began to try seducing me on the spot or actually in the car at a drive-in, not realizing that was impossible for me on a first date. We never had a second date. I reasoned the risk of a rejected relationship at work was asking for trouble. Also a relationship at work compromises your equal treatment of co-workers value, and it would compromise your integrity. The Company was like a big family and you could enjoy their company like brothers and sisters. You could enjoy parties, dances and in-depth discussions without sex getting in the way. This was a wise new rule. Some of the senior management were involved in sexual activity with employees and a letter came out from head office saying clean up the office or terminations would begin starting top down. The letter was accidentally open in the mail room and by noon the whole office had heard the news.
Now a very memorable encounter was between myself and a lesbian. She was a school teacher and a very good friend. I visited her one day in her apartment and she asked if I wanted to take a swim in the complex swimming pool. I said that's nice but I don't have a swim suit. She said it's rarely used, at this time so, we can go nude. We got nude in front of each other and I used a towel to get to the pool, she used a house coat. When we returned she wanted to go to bed nude, which we did. We snuggled, kissed, hugged and talked. Now sex never crossed my mind, maybe it was because of the "if they are good enough to bed, they are good enough to wed" rule. I think she wanted to experience male/female sex but I declined. If I had sex with her and got her pregnant, I would have married her but it would be making the best of a potentially bad situation. She was a very nice and beautiful person both inner and outer. I learned its possible to have a platonic intimate encounter with a girl but it is not easy and definitely not recommended.
Enough background on this topic, lets get on to the first serious love affair; The summer of 1959, I met Evelyn Rideau (or was it Renaud, Renault, Renaut, Renaux, Reneaux?) born about 1939, a little French girl. The French naming conventions leaves much to the imagination. We met while curb cruising in a pink 1948 Mercury convertible. We saw three girls walking down 118 Avenue in Edmonton. She hopped in beside me in the back seat. We had to double up, so she sat on my lap, as the car was overloaded. I knew she liked me because she made the choice to sit on me. Nothing beats having a girl sit on your lap. We sometimes crammed 18 kids into that car. Now this was a great experience, as it was actually non-sexual it just made me feel great. Naturally you had to put your arms around her to hold her. Where or when me met is a foggy point in my memory, I am not even sure this is how you spell her last name. I don't even have a picture of her. I was quite comfortable and hoped it could go on and on the whole day. But the driver said, he just got a ticket yesterday for overloading, so we will have to off load. I said drive to my house, I will get my car, a 1952 Pontiac. I think we offloaded with another couple, Terry King and his girl and went for a beer (Root Beer) at A&W. Later I dropped the other couple off and parked out side her house for more than a few hours talking. She came from a large family and lived in a small rental house. About 92st & 108A Ave N.W., Edmonton. We agreed to meet the next night and go out to see if we were still comfortable with each other. While I drove she sat tight to my side but when we talked she leaned against the passenger door. The mothers told the girls don't kiss on the first date or the boys will think you are easy. The boys knew this dating rule. She definitely struck me as a girl you would have to date for three or four months, to find out, if we were a true match. She was very cute and had a great body and appeared like a very pleasant person. The few girls who I kissed on the first date, I just figured they were naturally affectionate, not easy. Most guys liked naturally affectionate girls. However we didn't kiss on the first encounter. Something clicked on this first encounter, I am not sure what or why but it called for a second date. To this day I really don't know what clicked.
I had recently broken up with a girl who was affectionate but used her affection to get what she wanted. She admitted to playing this game and when I asked why, she said that's how her parents acted. She said her mother used sex to get what she wanted. We had spent much time making out, but sex was ruled out between us, because of this cultural quirk. I couldn't imagine myself being married to this type of girl, I considered it a marriage from Hell.
I picked Evelyn up and went for a beer (root beer) and French fry's. I knew from the get go this was not a simple boy girl date. This was the first real in-depth encounter as a couple, as apposed to group dating, or simple couple dating, she confided to me that she wasn't a virgin. She was breaking the first rule 'don't ask, don't tell'. At first I was shocked, then later I was very impressed with her honesty and this was our first real date, whow! She likely thought this was an impediment to dating and wanted to get it out of the way early. She said she had lost her virginity to a boy, who had rented a room in her house. Now this was a major problem, as I had been taught that sex was reserved until you married, [I didn't really believe that] therefore I thought she was not eligible as a potential mate under the parent and church rules. I though long and hard on this subject and concluded our relationship should start the day we met, sort of like a blank slate. This was a tough decision as it went against the grain of everything I was taught. But I was also taught, if Jesus can forgive sins, why can't I. Evelyn taught me a very valuable lesson of tolerance, understanding, forgiveness and to be vary careful in not judging too quickly. We discussed things like career vs. stay at home mom, number of kids we wanted. Religious beliefs and values, honesty, sincerity, reliability but mostly tolerance and starting with a blank sheet. The day and evening however was spent mostly, hugging, kissing and touching. I was in heaven on earth. I spent a restless night mulling over the day. I think Evelyn believed this was an important impediment to an on going relationship. She wanted to get this resolved on the first date. It's like a no children rule, end of relationship period, end of dating. I passed her first dating rule but it wasn't easy. I realized she was wiser than her years.
The next date was going for a swim at the community
pool. This was a great ploy to get to see what type of figure a girl
had. If the truth be known most girls have great bodies at that age and
if girls like their bodies, boys will also. I think girls instinctively
know how to train boys to appreciate their bodies. I saw her mom for the first time when I picked her up. The second major
problem arose, her mother. My mother and
grandmother always told me, take a good hard look at any girls mother and grand
mother, because that is who you are marrying. The meaning was very
clear, most young girls look cute or beautiful but will eventually look like
their mother and grandmother. Now Evelyn's mother was very overweight
but a very pleasant person. This was nearly a show stopper. However
I would later met her married sister, who had
two kids and who I thought was really old. I think she was about 35
years old and had a very trim body. I reasoned the mother must have had
some health problems and as Evelyn was very trim, this was no longer a
potential problem. This was also a sensitive family problem you just
don't ask early on. Later it became no problem at all. I found it interesting how you create marriageable
criteria and rationalize changes as you grow older. My beliefs went
through a fundamental change from age 15 to age 21. I think it is a
transition from principles, beliefs and values you are given vs. those you reason out on
your own. However until I met one of her sisters, I still had very serious
doubts. The reason I didn't break off the relationship is because I
discovered it really takes a number of dates to really understand things. The swim was a good idea, as she has an awesome body, which was
hard to resist. The interesting thing was she had great boobies and I
love boobies but I
was more interested in her thoughts and feelings. Maybe this was the
difference between lust and love? That evening we explored our wishes and desires for a
good life. A good job, a stay at home mom, the little white house with the picket fence, a
nice vacation each year, tenting (camping), and we seemed to be compatible in
all areas. It was a bit scary, but not much, as I had been looking for a
mate, about 7 years. Most teen age girls didn't go for soul searching
discussions preferring to just having fun. I was a very serious thinking
person by nature but also enjoyed having fun. There was little doubt I
was on the slippery slope toward real love.
Now the dating ritual has definite protocols during the 1950's. Platonic love relationships involved lots of hugs and touching of extremities but no kissing or touching of private parts. First stage dating involved kissing and touching of the breasts but not lower parts. If a girl was not really into you she would push your hand away if you touched her breasts. If she was into you but the timing was not right she would move your hand to a safer location and press your hand to her body. Second stage dating involved kissing and touching the entire body. It usually involved a phasing in as trust, love and confidence grew. Second stage dating is the going steady stage or the exclusivity stage. No kissing of other girls for what ever reason and touching was taboo. Hugs were ok for good friends but only on meeting and parting. I think it is impossible to have a platonic love relationship after you have had a sexual love relationship. Now how your girlfriend reacts to your platonic relationships is a test of trust in the new relationship. We had agreed from our first encounter we would be in an exclusive relationship until we determined if we were compatible. We both agreed to clear the decks of previous relationships or commitments. To tell the truth I don't think either of us wanted to review our past loves unless there was an impediment to our relationship.
As was inevitable that our growing love relationship evolved into a third stage sexual relationship. Our first encounter demonstrated she had not lost her virginity earlier but just thought she had. However we like to rationalize things, I think its the desire to start with a blank slate. It was not my first sexual encounter. My only other source of information was books, other boys and past experience but I suspect she was still a virgin. Besides the past was the past and only the here and now and the future mattered. It was an awkward moment at best. To reach a stage where her body was mine and my body was hers is a wondrous state. As time passed sex became a binding force beyond my comprehension. Evelyn made sex, affection, hugs and kisses a natural phenomena, my family was not very affectionate and it became a very important attribute in my selection criteria. I had worked in a drug store, so I thought we should practice safe sex. Evelyn was not too thrilled at the idea, saying are you going to use those things on me? I guess we had been taught that birth control was a sin and therefore she thought it was repulsive. Few of my friends used birth control but we never discussed why. All I know if she got pregnant I would be the happiest person on earth. The interesting thing is I didn't know if she was Catholic and it didn't matter because her beliefs and values were compatible with mine. As a result we only used them one time and I valued her opinion. I learned to respect the desires and wishes of a loving friend. I remembered my own rule, "If they are good enough to bed, then they are good enough to wed". I didn't ask if she was hoping to get pregnant. I think secretly I was hoping she would get pregnant as that would take the marriage decision making out of our hands. We had agreed that if she got pregnant, we would marry. In fact this became a new stronger rule. My grand mother told me it is better to put a cold pot on a hot stove than a hot pot on a cold stove. The pot is love, the stove is principles, beliefs and values. I decided I would rather put a hot pot on a hot stove.
One curious thing we did was to make out on my mothers bed. We didn't reached the sexual stage but we were partially undressed when my parents came home. There was a mad scramble and race to the front room, adjusting clothing on the way. I didn't really understand the significance of this action but I caught one of my daughters in later life doing the same thing in my bed. Very strange and interesting as we both had our own beds which would be safer. I think the parents marriage bed is a safe and sacred place, it must be symbolic. All I know is when I caught my daughter and her boyfriend in my bed, a profound sense of love swept my memory recalling my encounter with Evelyn. I was surprised as I was not angry and we had a very rational and intimate father daughter discussion.
We did the common dating things, movies, swimming, lunch, bowling, picnics, parties, etc. Single couple dating, as well as double couple dating. One date we double dated with a friend who drove a 1934 Chev. or Ford, can't remember. We had the back seat so we could make out on the way to a special river swimming hole. Make out, like kissing, hugging & touching, not sex. When we reached the swimming hole it was crowded so we went to a secret spot that I knew. It was about a half mile walk to a sand hill that fronts the river and is totally deserted. We hadn't brought swimming suits as this was a spur of the moment thing. Now my friends girlfriend was very modest and a virgin until after a few weeks of marriage. Yes you read correctly a few weeks after the wedding. This couple would eventually marry. My friend and I went for a swim but I told Evelyn I didn't think it was proper for her to skinny dip when the other girl would be left out, so she stayed and visited with the other girl. Actually I didn't want her to show off her body in front on my friend. It was broad daylight, maybe if it was night it would be different. I don't think so, its based on protecting the girls repetition. At least that is what I told myself. I considered Evelyn's body mine and I wasn't into sharing. It however forced me into rethinking, were are the limits to possessiveness and common sense?
Skinny dipping was a great sport at night. I had participated in group skinny dipping on previous occasions. Actually in the dark you can't see much, its the thought that is the trill. I think we all have a touch of exhibitionism in our makeup. Another favorite sport was the sauna in winter, at a lake, with a hole chopped into the ice for plunging or rolling in the snow. This was an old North American Indian tradition. The interesting thing is these activities were not really sexual in nature but more group bonding exercises but then they usually involved just girlfriends no intimate love relationships.
Another double date was spent with the same couple in my friends basement bedroom while his parents were away. We were both in separate beds with the lights out. Naturally we were making out when my friend said he couldn't tell the front from the back of his girl. We as a couple said that was nasty and if he continued in this type of talk, it's no wonder his wife was a virgin for weeks after marrying him. Actually his future wife had a nice set of small boobs, and my friend was playing the buddy game to impress me, bad strategy. Yes we were engaged in sexual intercourse but I still felt protective towards my friends girlfriend who was also a friend of mine.
One very significant activity was baby sitting for Evelyn's older sister. The old 35 year old woman. This allowed me to finally dispel my fears about her potential being overweight. In retrospect I think it was also an opportunity for Evelyn to condition me into the life of marital bliss. Evelyn came from a family were showing of affection and because of being in a small house, modesty was not a high concern. I on the other had came from a house with little physical affection and a highly modest environment. I remember one day we were in the bathroom and I was watching her apply her makeup, after washing her face. She used very little makeup which wasn't a dating rule but just a nice quality. She said I have to go to the bath room, so I started to exit the room like a gentleman. She ran after me and said 'Oh no you don't' and pulled me back into the bathroom. Up went her mini skirt, down went her panties and she was on the toilet in a flash, before I could move or say anything. I had to admit she sure looked cute on the toilet with her panties down around her ankles. I think it was her way of bonding, and it sure was working. Another bonding activity was when she was taking a bath she asked me to wash her back. That activity was very effective in the bonding process. Later she locked the door and I couldn't get her to open it. I think she was saying even in an open sexual marriage each person needs some time alone. Using her sisters master king size bed also helped in the bonding process. I noticed if a child cried she was up like a flash to attend to the child no matter what we were doing. This had not been on my list of mate finding criteria but it was soon added. There is a certain love feeling when a girl puts a baby's needs first. You know she will look after your future kids. I don't recall if she trained me in the art of dipper changing, toilet brigade or bath time but I am sure she did. I had some experience in early babysitting jobs but it was much more enjoyable with a mate. In fact I really loved all kids, they are open, honest and laugh a lot. Only two things to watch cover boys private parts when changing dippers and put a blanket over your shoulder when burping them. These two critical points are driven home by only one accident.
Baby sitting her sisters kids was like playing house. It was a very serious learning activity. I had no doubts I wanted marriage and kids with Evelyn.
One fundamental principle was I wanted 4-6 healthy kids. I guess Evelyn was waiting until I was hopelessly bonded with her, as she passed all my selection criteria for a mate and more. I was hopelessly struck with the love bug and was thinking marriage. She said, oh by the way I have epilepsy, which I knew at the time was considered an inherited disease. I was devastated. She hadn't showed any signs of a seizure and in all respects appeared as healthy as a horse. Our relationship began to flounder. She was still my soul mate (what ever that means) and I loved her to death and would have married her if she was pregnant. I didn't want to bring kids into the world with an inherited disease and I couldn't live without kids of my own. I think I miserably failed one of her fundamental selection principles of a possible mate. We tend to forget our potential mate also has a list of potential mate criteria. One of her principles was take me as I am. My judgment was partially clouded because a friend of my brother married a severe epileptic. She had Grand mal's nearly daily and frankly it scared me to my very core. The sad truth is we didn't talk about it. If she had said that's not fair or anything I would have married her. I failed one of her primary selection principles, 'take me as I am'.
We decided to end the relationship but agreed to have
one more date two weeks in the future. She had moved to the south side
of Edmonton about a block east of 99th Street NW. and about 72nd Ave N.W. (+/-
a few avenues). It might have been 98 St and 77 Ave, a row house on
south side of the avenue. We had our last date and it was
like a death in the family. I died a bit that night. I can't
remember that date, I think it was a wedding or something. The night was
a blur. I still love her to current times and if she
had said, 'that's not fair', or lets talk about it, I would have married her in a flash and taken our
chances. I was young, stupid, and failed one of her important
selection criteria. I still think of her, at least once a month, and of
love. All attempts to locate her in later years has ended in
failure. I learned a very valuable lesson, never pass up a golden opportunity. You never really forget a true in-depth
sexual love. I am eternally grateful for the Principles, Beliefs and
Values learned from my encounter with Evelyne Rideau. My only hope is
that we will meet again after death if I don't find her before.
You would think that with the passage of time, counted in decades, that lost love due to ignorance and youth would fade with the shroud of time but not so, the loss just intensifies in the minds eye. I have tried unsuccessfully to find fault with the relationship to ease my guilt but non exists. The good times are not masking the bad times. The only bad times was the breaking up.
In retrospect I believe marriage is between a man, a woman and God. I believe that God had selected Evelyne for me but I blew it. I think we were contemplating marriage between a man and a woman but hadn't even factored in God.
Over fifty years later I still don't know what attributes
trigger that spark, that chemistry, we attribute to the term 'soul mate'.
If you can't define what it is, it sometimes helps to define what it is
not. All I know is it is not based on sex, has nothing to do with age, is not
restricted to one person and is unconditional and everlasting. In my life time I have
encountered eight females who fit this labeling. I can best describe them
as saying, "if we were both single and a reasonable close age, I would
marry them at the drop of a hat". When there is a age spread,
you love them like a daughter or daughter-in-law. It's this but more.
it's an inner beauty that just radiates outward. You love the way
they walk, you love the way they talk but most importantly, you love the way
they act. I don't know what
reasonable close age is but 40 years spread is too much, as is 20 years.
Three are of this type. The other four are reasonably close in age and I married two, one having died,
and two were lost in time, due to a lack of maturity on my part. I am sure
there were others, that I didn't have the opportunity to develop a true Platonic
love relationship. The girl whose father wouldn't let her date until
age 18, jumps to mind. There were a number of similar cases in my
teenage years. I have often questioned, if you should respect the
parents questionable rules, when it comes to establishing friendships. I
am not sure parents have the same rights as potential spouses? There are likely
age spread love relationships that never blossoms? Maybe that is the basis of
brotherly love, a fundamental principle of mankind?
Maybe its the same feeling and attraction you have towards our children, it's not sexual in nature, has nothing to do with age, is not restricted to one child and is unconditional and everlasting. The commonality is we have a great love for our children and also for our so called 'soul mates'. Its not because they are cute or beautiful, maybe its because no matter how they look, we think they are cute and beautiful. Maybe their personality defines their beauty, externally as well as internally. Maybe its because it takes time to develop love. It's interesting that females are faster at love bonding than men. As a result we want to cuddle them in our mind and physically. We believe they would cause no harm intentionally and we always give them the benefit of doubt. We always want the best for them, including health and happiness. I know true love comes from goodness, I have learned it expresses itself in the way she walks, in the way she talks and most importantly in the way she acts.
As I review these notes in the close of 2010 a great
sadness crosses my heart. Not only because of a lost love but rather a
lost age of innocence, a lost culture, a lost way of life and
We have transcended from a 'WE' generation to a 'ME' generation.
We have compromised our 'Beliefs' for instant 'Gratification'.
We have abandoned the 'Right to Live' for 'Termination of Life'.
We have traded the 'Right to Love' for 'One Night Stands'.
We have replaced the 'Right to Commitment' for 'Impermanency'.
We have abandoned 'Integrity' for 'Greed'.
We have evolved from "Responsibility' to 'Entitlement'.
We have lost 'Humility' for 'Arrogance'.
We have rejected 'Faith' for 'Fanaticism'.
We have higher incomes, but lower morals.
We have bigger houses but smaller families.
We have fancier houses, but broken homes.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced out values.
We have thrown out our 'Values' with the bathwaters of time.
Water-Gate; Climate-Gate; Wiki-Gate; are symptoms of fundamental change to the loss of our guiding Principles.
The Great World Recession/Depression of (2007-2020) is a wake-up call.
In the past we would hear the words 'Repent' 'Repent' but this is a new age, now it could be,
Change 'Information' into 'Knowledge'; 'Knowledge' into 'Wisdom' before we implode.
I see the enemy and it is me.
I couldn't help myself to capture the essence of this lost age by another saying:
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."
and men have lost the real essence of life and living.
GO TO REBOUND RELATIONSHIP 1960's-1970's this is a hard section to write but I have started it
Evelyn likely married, making it harder to track her down. I can only hope and pray she had a wonderful life.
The name Rideau is not very common so I likely don't have it spelled correctly;
1950 John M. Rideau married Lake Charles, LA a Peallie M. Ardoin
1952 Ferland Rideaux married Lake Charles, LA a Mable
Evelyn, Rideau. Toronto, Ontario, CA, M1G 3T9, (416) 439-...
Evelyne, Rideau. Victoria, British Columbia, CA, V0S 1N0, (250) 391-....
Evelynn, Rideau. Provost, Alberta, CA, (780) 272-....
She likely graduated St. Joseph High School, Edmonton about 1957, maybe 1958? Not even positive she went to this school or was a catholic because of the don't ask don't tell rule of dating during this period.
The next segment of my life is titled 'REBOUND RELATIONSHIP (UNDER DEVELOPMENT) I am not sure I will ever completely record it as it wasn't a pleasant encounter.
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