SEPTEMBER 8, 2007

FAMILY HISTORY & GENEALOGY HISTORY
THE MAIN ELEMENTS ARE
BIRTH - MARRIAGE - DEATH

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My wife Jeanette Louise Schuh Garneau 
died July 26, 2006 after suffering over 40 years with MS (Multiple Sclerosis). 
It was as near a perfect marriage as one could hope for

She knew and encouraged me to find another mate after her death.

THIS IS THE STORY OF MY LATE LIFE LOVE.

Jeanette knew that I would have a hard time, shortly after her death, so unbeknown to me, she approached Brenda Festa to come and help me with my gardening.  Jeanette had a six sense about people.  I didn't require any help with gardening, as that was one of my hobbies, to employ my time, as Jeanette declined in health.   I didn't pay much attention to Brenda as she visited Jeanette each week for a year or so, as I took the time to shop or work on my web site.  I assumed Jeanette was cultivating another friend for her own desires. 

 Mary Dik Ping Shu had been coming over every Sunday for ten years.  Other female friends also visited her on a regular bases but these two women would have a profound role to play in my life during the death and dying phase, as well as the Late Life Love chapter of my life.  In retrospect Jeanette was teaching me the art of cultivating friends, to help in the pass over phase and selection of a future wife.

Mary (a happy single woman) had became like a part of our family and was included in most family activities.  Many Sundays we would shop for Chinese food and she would prepare a meal, including hot pot.  Then we would settle down to watch movies, science fiction shows or play games with Jeanette.

Brenda ( a happily married woman) became a new friend in the making with Jeanette's encouragement.  I was told to give Brenda and Mary hugs and her other girl friends when they arrived and when they departed.  Up to this point I wasn't a great hugger.  Brenda however taught me the importance of hugging friends, but more important, is to anticipate and savor hugs, before and after the fact.  She always said, I look forward to a hug from you, or I have been thinking about this hug for a long time.  Can you imagine what this does for your ego!  As a result I changed, and began  to tell other friends, that I looked forward to hugs with them.  I began to look at other lost opportunities to boost the ego's of others.  I encountered a woman who was about 8-9 months pregnant, so I said you look great.  She beamed and said thank you, I feel great.  The changed look on her face told me she went from not feeling great, to feeling great.  I guess Jeanette knew this hugging ritual was like a bonding ritual.  This sort of sets the stage for the final chapter, Late Life Love..

Mary was one of the female circle of friends who I took out to lunch after Jeanette's death.  I remember trucking through a foot of snow to take her to a restaurant on Princes Island, Calgary, about a two or three block walk from the car.  I was not fully recovered from my hospital session and I couldn't keep up, as Mary walked five or six paces in front, breaking trail through the snow.   In fact I didn't think I would make it.  I told her she made me feel like the females in some cultures who must walk 4-5 paces behind the husband.  The thoughts of any possible romantic encounter was as far from my mind as is humanely possible.  

I attended Church each Sunday and surveyed the single female population for a possible mates.  I hated the thought of entering the dating scene.  In your old age folks are pretty much set in their ways.  I reasoned sex appeal is still important but a compatible personality is of prime importance.  Three or four woman appeared to meet the personality and values list but just no sexual spark.  I began to wonder if sex appeal is still an important criteria?  How I dreaded the dating scene.  I continued to take my circle of female friends out for lunch or supper but these were platonic relationships.

One Sunday I was sitting at the back of the church, my usual spot for the past 15 + years.  I was looking at Mary Dik Ping Shu who was singing in the choir.  Then out of the blue, SMACK, on the side of the head, it was like God saying, smarten up, she's the one.  It's noteworthy that I blew it with my first real love due to ignorance and stupidity.  My platonic friend Mary Dik Ping Shu became the logical ideal choice for a future partner.  We have known each other for over 10 years, she was considered as part of the family and everyone loved her.   

Now how to proceed from a platonic relationship to a loving relationship?  I have never read an article on that one!  I recall years ago laying in bed with a gay female friend, who was also a good platonic friend.  Bed is a great place to discuss friendship, especially if no sex is involved.  I remembered years ago laying on the bed, fully clothed, with another very nice beautiful girl, with a great body, but no sex involvement, and we talking for hours about our beliefs and values, and especially our expectations in life, love, and marriage.  Unfortunately their just wasn't a mutual spark but I know she made a great wife for some lucky person.  The other scenario was boy meets girl who is appealing, date for a time to really get to know them, and if not compatible in Principles, Beliefs and Values part company as friends.  If compatible and the spark is present, then marry, the traditional approach.  That was my full knowledge of friendship and dating.

SO I knew my Strategic Goal, 'get Mary Dik Ping Shu to marry me'.  That's simple but I knew I needed great tactics to turn a platonic relationship into a loving relationship.  To compound the issue Mary had never married, and was highly independent and self sufficient.  Her life was full to overflowing, with three jobs, also she sell three diverse products from her home, has extensive church involvement and great friends and relatives.  I on the other hand loved a challenge and knew basically what I would be getting into.  

The first step was easy as we were already the best of friends.  No anxious moments of getting to know another person, the fear of saying the wrong thing, or being misunderstood.  Good friends always 'assume the best of the other, until proven wrong'.  This is more powerful than 'presumed innocent until proven guilty'.  So the first step was to ask for a real date, not just a meal with a friend.  You have to make it very clear you consider this as a 'real date'.  You can tell by the look on her face or by what she says, if you were successful on the first step.  Step #2 pick a nice quiet, quaint eating place, not cheap, not too expensive, fronting on the romantic Elbow River.  The scene is set for Step #3.  Tell her about your apprehension about entering the dating scene but most important your revelation of the SMACK, on the side of the head, as if God was saying, smarten up, Mary's the one.  Watching her expression and listening carefully what she has to say speaks volumes.  Speaking honestly, from the heart, is not in question because after ten years there is not much we didn't know about each other.  Step #4 is the big one.  It's the first real step from a platonic relationship to a loving relationship, with no turning back.  It least for me, it was no turning back, that's my nature.  After a meal at the Blue something we returned to my house.  I suggested to Mary we go to bed and cuddle, no sex, just cuddling and talking in an intimate setting.  Had she said no we would likely no longer be 'good friends', but just friends, because I had already crossed the line and couldn't go back.

Needless to say she said YES and we spent hours cuddling, kissing, touching and talking.  It was like heaven on earth, I was in cloud #9.  Then she had to go to Vancouver to spend Christmas with her mother and sister.  That was the longest three weeks of my life.  They say when you get older, time flies but not this time.  Upon her return we decided to move in together.  Step #5 is the proposal of marriage which she accepted.  For all intent and purpose this commitment between a man, a woman and God is a marriage agreement which occurred January 15, 2007.  In the eyes of God we were married, however society likes to see this agreement in a more formal setting for the benefit of friends and family.

 Then starts the more formal marriage process, Step #6.  The first major decision is where to live.  Option #1, my house, option # 2 her house, option #3 sell both houses and build a dream home.  We decided on option #2 because it was near her church, friends and her things.  She is like a pack rat, which leads to step #2 of the marriage process.  How to dispose of our surplus things.

We have duplication of everything, some times triplicate.  We selected those things of importance to us and moved them to Mary's place.  We decided to have open house, at my old house, for relatives and friends to come and get what ever they wanted.  Next we shipped everything that was saleable to good will stores and the balance was taken to the dump.  Lots of folks had suggested we have a big garage sale but we didn't need the money and decided this was the best approach.

Step #3 of the marriage process was to renovate the old house for sale.  Mary was consumed in selecting the cupboards for the kitchen, back splash tile, fixtures, flooring and paint.  She was in her glory. 

Step #4 She planned the wedding for September 8, 2007.  Marriage preparation courses, bridal shows, guest lists, caterers, reception halls, music, church, etc. etc. etc.  Things haven't changed, it's a woman's world.  I guess that's why men wear black and women wear white.  The most important thing to remember is to just get out of the way and nod or grunt ok to everything.  Mary comes from a family of 7 girls so lots of opinions (help!).  At our age we have every thing so the plea goes out 'No Gifts Please', we just appreciate you attending.  The positive thing is Mary quits her fulltime job and only retains one part time job that she dearly loves.

We didn't want a large wedding and settled on a list of about 100 people of which about 80 plus finally attended.  The hard part is when good friends can't make it, having already made firm plans.  This is especially true of older people who have plans for the great trip they have been planning for years.  The wedding went off without a hitch and everyone was very pleased with the wedding and reception.

The honeymoon however was delayed because Mary was called to Jury Duty.  We got out of this commitment and finally made our way to Hawaii.  Marriage really starts after the dust settles from the formal marriage process.

Knowing cultural differences and living cultural differences is a different thing.  The North American Indians had a saying, to really know another is to walk in their moccasins for 30 days.  I believe that adaptation to marriage and 'Cultural Quirks' within marriage is a life long process.  Our problems are very minor in nature compare to others.  The hardest differences are:
#1 The Kitchen is Mary's domain, and she doesn't just discriminate against me but her entire family.
#2 Cleanness is next to Godliness, and I admit, I am messy, others would say I was spoiled by the women in my life.
#3 Mary's family don't really share thoughts during meal times and tend to always speak Chinese.
#4 Herbivore vs. carnivore will likely be a life long incompatibility that I will have to learn to live with.  

Mary washes all foods and cuts out all fat from meat with surgical precision.  One of my brothers also did this, but I love my fat.  Washing of meat is not recommended as it spreads bacteria to other foods but habits die hard.  Other than these minor irritants we have a great married life.  Mary is still very active in church, helping at old age home, selling a few products from home and working part time, we have a very active life.

Mary didn't really like to travel by motor home, which I love.  After our last two trips she has began to enjoy herself and come to appreciate there are a lot of out-of-the-way places you can't fly to.

Late life love is as good as midlife love and I am a very lucky person.  Upon reflection of my life I truly appreciate the many girls and women who have enriched my life.  A special appreciation is for the special eight girls and women that I truly loved and still love.  
Hopefully in the future I will write of the few men in my life who hold the special place of best friend for that time period.  Friendship is forever but you can only have one best friend at a time.  However you can have a male and female best friend at the same time which is independent from a marriage partnership.  A valid marriage partnership out trumps friendships, best friendships or even soul mates.  

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